Nature versus Nurture

Girls drift to the thump of the dhoal in the brightly-lit lounge, decorated with flowers by the bride’s family. Demurely batting her thick, sooty lashes she peeks at the groom-to-be, who steals a stealthy glance at her when the ‘elders’ aren’t looking. And the friends on both sides who can almost see the current buzzing between the two burst into giggles and hoots. The engagement was a reflection of the turning point in their lives when they would get married after four years. The lights around them blur in the moment when their eyes meet for a brief instant and the world swirls into a beautiful haze when their hands meet to cement the beautiful bond, to clasp their lives together with a shiny latch. Later they spend the night touching the gifts received from the other side, weaving their enchanting world on their respective ends to be knit together soon and also diving into the chocolates and other eatables received.

And the next day it begins. The buddies just get high on some video game booze or just hit ‘purple haze’ to celebrate the leftover bachelor splendor. But the other side has the REAL fun. Phone buzzing with calls and texts, all of which are brimming with teasers; asking for pictures and each and every update on the matter, especially what he said, how, when, etc. And then how could we forget the “Haan bhai, ab tou aap humein bhool hi jayen gi” accentuated by the high-pitched heeheehee giggle. And then they all need a thousand and one pictures of the ring from all sorts of angles as if the poor ring is a pornstar! It only gets better when they present the bride-to-be with tea-sets and china as her birthday gift since she is the ‘mangni-shuda khatoon’ now and the soul (whom I wouldn’t call poor) although sometimes flustered, cannot have enough of the raging attention- which is her natural reaction.

So she finally emerges with all the pictures and updates and the closer friends who are so privileged since they get all the exclusive details before anybody else does, consider it with unwavering resolve, their responsibility to spread the news as fast as they can to everyone they possibly can. What could be a better medium than facebook? It also serves as the perfect wooing network where they can tell random guys about the oh-so-lucky girl-since-she-got-engaged-and-now-has-an-identity-in-society, prodding them to perhaps offer for them or see them in a new feminine light since they were the bridesmaid and even caught the non-existent bouquet! She totally has to be next and if he doesn’t hurry… well, there’s not much to lose except for the high-pitched giggle. In my opinion, he will survive.

And then everybody who is remotely affiliated with the affair clucks their tongues and out comes a ding-dong or maybe a siren for at least a month. The giggling bunch tries to keep the vigour alive, tries to find new techniques to make it exciting and maybe fiery which makes the listener go all dying-of-lust perhaps. They do everything from making lame jokes (which are supposed to be probably provocative and get the concerned orange on fire by blushing), to listening to live repetitions of all the incidents since the beginning of the affair until the affair turns out to look like this (below) to me. Yes, it’s the orange phenomenon which in my small world states that engagement affairs and oranges have a lot in common. When either gets squeezed, it’s the source of Vitamin C in flesh (since the pulp is in the juice) but when it’s squeezed for a month at least, it looks like it came from Ethiopia two minutes ago. By the end of the month, it’s hyperventilating, and its skin has been squeezed so much that it hasn’t just lost the zest but also the oils!

1. Getting insanely excited about the engagement/ marriage of a friend or cousin, etc;

2. Always talking about herself, admiring herself in the semblance of a mirror she can find, pouting and playing as fragile as egg-shell china;

3. Talking gibberish in a baby, whiny voice with a perfumed accent and looking like a clothed skeleton;

4. Getting scared when Sir Bilal slams a duster against the wall and continues getting scared when Sir Bilal purposely overdoes it (OH GOD! IT JUST NEVER WEARS OUT ON HER!);

5. Being immensely self-obsessed and getting excited by absolutely lame stuff like a senseless picture of a friend’s bedroom wall decoration;

6. Being so stupid that the worries of life/ society/ whatever goes on around her do not bother her (since she’s incapable of thinking and having a wide perspective- she’s the subdued one after all) and she can always very simply go shopping for days without any of it ever crossing her mind.

It’s all so feminine- so stereotypically. Surprise, surprise, we don’t live in the Shopaholic novels. (Please notice and admire the use of symbolic colours!)

The stereotypic female loves playing fragile, finicky and dumb all the time.

Female: “Oh my God! My nail chipped, will you take me to the doctor?”

Male: “Oh it looks horrible, you chipped it? Get into the car!”

And they rush off to the doctor; you can imagine a siren in the air if you want. Oh and I forgot to mention that this pair is in a medical school- a.k.a. doctors-in-the-making.

But WHY does she play so unnervingly dumb? Because apparently men like it, it’s the perfect luring mechanism because it’s juice for a man’s ego when he finds a dumb female to spend time with. Oh, how he loves to pick away the splinters of everything the female doesn’t understand. It makes him feel oh-so-intellectual and ah, the sense of power he treats himself to when he can subdue, the dumb, weak vessel (was it vessel or weasel?). Face it: men can’t appreciate the fact that a lady’s intellect maybe higher than their own, even if it isn’t remotely connected to their area of expertise; especially when they need amusing company- who can make them feel bloated with their ego. Although of course not justified, it’s understandable if men do that. It’s probably an innate part of their nature or maybe it’s the protective side that kicks in when they see a stupid-enough-to-fling-herself-over-the-balcony-while-checking-out-her-reflection-female. But when you make that side of the equation zero, the constant that glares back at you is female encouragement. Men would never do it if they never had the chance to – the chance provided by the dumb-playing female.

The paradox is why does the female lower her self-esteem and degrade her intellect by acting like she can’t understand the simplest of things and they need to be interpreted in explicit detail by a man. The source of degradation in this case is the female herself who encourages men to degrade her mental capacity – an unforgivable sin.

After some painstaking assessment on a serene Saturday afternoon, I have formed a critical psychological analysis of the matter which suggests that it is probably desperation that drives them to be this way – desperation to feel accepted and perhaps loved like the oh-so-lucky engaged lady. The cause of desperation might be social insecurity, for which the women are not to be blamed, it’s an unfortunate idea ingrained in our minds since before birth.

We long to be loved, pampered, treated well – human enough; but to long to be a part of the crowd that’s all the hype (the stereotypical, superficial females who are so full of vanity) and be praised all the time is not human nature. Human = humble. I probably sound insane since I digress from the clichéd opinions but I know I’m not. And I don’t care how narcissistic I sound. It’s probably also because people find it hard to battle with their instincts with so much temptation around – that too is unhealthy psyche because it means that they’re making room for animalistic instincts inside their ‘human’ bodies, which obviously are so hard to shackle away that they defy sanity to kill their self-esteem and present themselves in a shiny silver platter (in which they can admire their reflection).

The underlying reason for all these interconnected issues of desperation and insecurity might be an individuality crisis that we as a society face today. I often find people exhibiting extreme copycat behaviour (excuse the layman term). They just HAVE to do everything somebody else does. I have seen people go to the extent of copying somebody else’s writing style and even adopting the way they talk! Females probably believe that their life is either with parents and then the husband and susraal is the final, supposedly heavenly abode. And there is of course no life on the bridge between the two stations. It’s just a bridge onlooking the gleaming golden river of life on both ends, etc. And also that they are to be borne either by some sort of family or some other individual: they completely miss out on the possibility of an individual identity. Since this is an ingrained and strangely obvious esoteric agenda, the giggling friends automatically, involuntarily begin dwelling upon the other side of the gleaming river and envisioning the prospective fiancés in a golden heart – because that’s the sole purpose of life?

I’m not against marriage or anything; in fact I do not feel that women and men are actually equal in every way, because they’re different. A cannot be equal to B; same is the case with the two sexes. Therefore, women should be submissive, however not mute. By submissive I mean not headstrong and selfish. The ability to compromise and understand is the most beautiful part of feminine nature and that means that we shouldn’t turn against men dreaming of banishing them from the Earth and sending them away to Jupiter on donkey carts.

However, a sense of individuality entertains the idea that life is possible without being somebody else’s counterpart and when life gives you that chance to be you, on your own, it’s for personal development so you shouldn’t shove it away looking for the next ride to cling on to. You have enough purpose in that life, the main chunk of which is to shed the stereotyped shell and become original, a female who is just you and not defined by how much she shops. There’s always a time for everything, so make hay while the sun shines because you certainly can’t do it by the river, no matter how much it gleams.

Laws of retardation:Theory Four -Taking over

World in order

I can proudly say that my plan to take over the world is now complete. It took me some 18 years to finally get here and I’m deeply grateful to the Venus-lings for all their motivation and support. All hail Venus!

On a lonely summer day, I realized I was becoming a vegetable because I could not frame coherent thoughts and my vocabulary seemed to be rotting away with a rather putrid stench. It was truly devastating and I set out to investigate the cause, which I was shell-shocked to find: It was part of the greater plan of the Venus-lings to mess with my head. They wanted to turn me into a vegetable so that I would become useless for the Earth and they could take me away to Venus and make me their queen. The question is, why did they choose ME of all people for this prestigious, yet immensely important role? The answer is as following:

1. I love Venus too much and they received these signals confirming that from my heart and brain and the apple-pie I’m going to use soon. They were baffled by those signals and couldn’t find any such signal from a single Venus-ling! I mean I had even written two poems on Venus! They were just overwhelmed by my mis-directed patriotism and totally ashamed that I wasn’t one of them so they decided I deserved to be their queen (there are no immigration facilities up there so being queen was kind of essential or the army would take me down).

2. They realized the Earth didn’t deserve me because it had become too sad for me to live in and my heart couldn't take it anymore, even the apple-pie would crumble away too soon. Nobody on earth except Subata Khalid understood what I said most of the time or not in full depth at least and most of them gave me a hard time about it, trying to put me off. The Venus-lings realized I needed an escape and the power to make things right. That would only happen if I was the queen of some other planet.

3. They were tired of watching the ill-health of the earth and decided it was time for change. I was the only one thinking of a revolution in my part of the world and people were being too mean to me about it so they decided I deserved a chance to lead the change. I also have a blog called ‘Floodgates’ for crying out loud! They just understood the ideology behind it and were too impressed.

4. They had to make me queen anyway so they decided to throw in the Earth complementary for good measure too. I mean what more damage could possibly occur to it?

Armor and artillery

First and foremost, whoever is willing to accompany me needs to have their heart replaced with an apple pie- that is the sole armor we require. We shall then order sets of cowboy boots, enabled with the most modern, efficient, and possibly high-tech spurs. This will be taken care of by Saba’s Babu and we are deeply grateful to both of them in advance.

I know I've mentioned cowboy boots and they have a more ruthless appeal to the barracuda senses but I prefer Jimmy Choos. They are just irresistible!

Mc Donald's has been especially helpful and provided us with  these fresh, juicy and very sweet apple pies at our special request (be grateful all you pie-lovers, Mc Donald's would never have had the idea if it weren't for me). I prefer these over my own because I don't have to work, they're portable and occupy very less space, also easily replaceable (all you have to do is open the window in your chest, pluck out the previous one and replace it with oven-fresh stuff).

There is a wide variety of spurs to choose from. Take your pick!

 

   

Then we need to cat-nap some caterpillars and pack them away in jars (with holes in the lids for Oxygen). Seems like I have learned to make a note of precautionary measures, courtesy of A level sciences. At least they have some courtesy. We shall feed these caterpillars with apple-pies so that they become venomous and then prepare for the major part of our plan.

The Climax

We elope to Venus and after basking in its enchanting atmosphere for a while, raid the world wearing our sparkling spur-enabled, cowboy boots. We grab a random person on earth and say “Take us to your leader, earth-ling!” This by the way needs to be accompanied by our signature action of pressing our temples with our fore-fingers and jerking the head from right to left, making a 180 degrees angle in a robotic manner. The earth-ling (we are superior Earth cum Venus-lings now) takes us to NASA. We unleash the inescapable wrath of our venomous caterpillars upon the NASA dudes, the caterpillars sting them and they die at the spot.

The fruit

We then set out to give quick, painless deaths to most of the lowly beings walking this beautiful planet called Earth, making it a little more blood-stained and dirty by slashing their throats with the spurs! Simple, quick, painless, peaceful, revolutionary, innovative and modern. The world is mine (or maybe ours).

Image courtesy: Subata Khalid, Bisma Farukh, Saba Iqbal, Atiya Rafique and Google.

Gossamer and Tulle

The romantic age that claimed of freedom and individualism and maybe considered to have given voice to feminism, popularized fashion trends that were contrary to these movements.

Quite intriguingly, the changes in clothing trends during this era basically revolved around the sleeves, implying that a lot of importance was given to the hands since they held the ‘pen’ which was considered the most powerful weapon of the Romantic revolution. The Romantic sleeves angled between various types of curves ranging from full sleeves tied at intervals with ribbon; the imbecile or idiot sleeve which is extremely full from the shoulder to wrist and the  ‘Demi-Gigot’ - full from shoulder to elbow, then fitted to the wrist.

These sleeves were accompanied by high waistlines and low, expanded necklines in order to give proportion to the body but the expansion, I believe caused women to look broad-shouldered and rather manly so it was soon ruled out. However, the high waistline that made the waist appear very small and fragile was supported with stays on the inside. These stays are what maybe considered contradicting the Romantic ideology since they majorly consisted of corsets which attacked women’s freedom to breathe!

The Imbecile sleeve

The romantics were fascinated by beauty- whether it was in nature, music, art or poetry. They valued emotion and sentiment, in contrast to the cold reason that was perceived to have driven the revolutions of the 18th century enlightenment. Since women were believed to be more emotional than men, it perhaps explains why the Romantics enjoyed such fashion trends. This style of dressing was designed to accentuate the beauty of the females by presenting them as frail maidens, which rather pushed them back into a more modest role, befitting the "weaker" sex, often described as delicate, fragile, and decorative. Women were also placed on a moral pedestal, and looked upon as the guardians of family and community virtue, and the educators of the children. This moral elevation of women would lead some to suggest that women deserved a wider role in public affairs. However, dress reflected the perception of women as weak and decorative, which smudges the comparatively exalted position women enjoyed in the romantic society.

The Crinoline cage

The Victorian era brought with it crinolines and bustles, initially liberating the ladies from corsets and frills. The crinoline cage, which substituted the numerous layers of frilly petticoats and ‘frou-frou’ used to puff up the skirts, was supposed to be a breakthrough in the history of fashion. It was a cage made either of steel or whalebone worn beneath the skirts to make them ideally puffed. It allowed the women to abandon corsets as the huge crinoline made the waste look unbelievably small anyway. However, it became quite difficult to manage while sitting and immensely humiliating when the wind blew because the ladies did not only have to sober the skirts but also save themselves from being tossed to a side under the pressurizing weight! Not just that, owing to the crinoline their lives were made even more miserable by living in constant fear of falling off horses! Almost a decade later crinolines were abandoned and corsets crept in again to accompany the ‘bustle’. It was a modification of the crinoline puffing up only the sides and back and was later enhanced by adding springs to make seating more comfortable!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

The Bustles

            

Although widely accepted by the elite ladies, some considered the bustle immodest and disturbing to look at since it made the body look disproportionate, so it was soon ruled out. Towards the end of the Victorian era, power dressing became highlighted with elaborately tailored, straight-cut jackets, reflecting female emancipation. It is as if gossamer and tulle were used as silken strangles for women, which power dressing retaliated against. This could be seen as the time when women emerged from their specifically dainty and demure roles to explore their potential of actually doing something other than batting eyelashes and curtseying. Women are essentially dainty creatures but not fragile, where curtseying is a beautiful etiquette, it's not the sole purpose of life, and the ending Victorian era made women realize this soon enough to produce Madam Curie and the likes from this race. 

However, it is sad that women in my era have become too engrossed in everything other than their true nature to have forgotten about it. So, dear women of the world, do what you please, find your spot, but don't lose yourself on the way. Grace and intellect is a part of you, find it and treasure it.

Cyclops gone blind

I’ve witnessed how the arrival of Ramzan has become less fascinating and dampened with each coming year. There’s a lot to blame but I feel slightly less cynical right now so I’ll just go into the facts that aren’t glaringly obvious. Amiss all the gory, grisly, heart-wrenching bloodlust and hassle and all the other morbid issues, it’s the small things that are depriving us of the barkat and rehmat of this month.

Khatm-e-Taraveeh in a mosque is supposed to be a source of blessings for all living in the area but unfortunately those ‘living in the area’ deprive themselves of these blessings just for the sake of some extra mithai! The children are often seen stealing mithai that is distributed at this event. Ramzan, taraveeh- you would think we are supposed to learn to share and clean the evil of our intentions but it’s really sad that parents cannot impart this simple idea to their children. You don’t exactly need to be ‘Islami’ for it or even respect Ramzan! It’s basic ethics which are obviously non-existent in our civilized society. What’s wrong with us? Where are we heading? Our children are stealing, that too from mosques? After finishing Taraveeh? Is that how greedy we have become? Muslim children stealing from mosques?!

Our electronic media gives life to Ramzan these days, the life that’s trickling away due to our malice. But they also need to participate in the ruthless rat-race to break the news first. The Azaan began and was cut off at ‘AllahHuAk’ to give instant, at-the-spot coverage of the recent Lahore bomb blast. My family and I were shocked, with dates perched between our fingers in mid-air. That is how important it is to break some more bad news, how important it is to disrupt a peaceful Iftar and exactly how much we respect the Azaan. We are true Muslims who respect Ramzan by creating signature music-filled Naats each year.

Calmly, pausing for the desired effect of suspense, talk show hosts tell us that suicide bombers have infiltrated cities like Karachi, Lahore, etc and are preparing in full swing to bomb Eid prayers. It’s actually funny how all our security agencies know when, how, where the suicide bombers have landed but they can’t arrest them. I wonder if it’s because there are no suicide bombers to begin with and even if there are, they’re planted by our own security agencies to help the government and external governments cause more anarchy, drive more people insane with their frustration, possibly get some more to commit suicide without a bomb?

Recently some more target killing ensued at the Natha Khan Bridge near the airport and ambulances were stuck in the resulting traffic jam. Whoever plans all this is amazingly brilliant because they ensure that not only the supposedly targeted people are killed but others are targeted as well. So those who would have died due to diseases much more humble than these ‘humans’ could not have that peace.

In another village another boy who could have been saved by another police squad, died another tragic death when he was not indulging in another crime but actually trying to do something unheard of- saving lives. The young male drowned while saving two other children and eventually died when rescue tams (led by a police squad) deemed it impossible to continue with the rescue mission because it was getting dark! Yes, fire has not been discovered yet and we are apes who walk on all fours. I wonder why this sounds familiar. Oh let me guess, didn’t something similar happen at the site of the air blue plane crash? It did indeed. The rescue mission was delayed by six hours and stopped four hours later because it was getting dark. Consequences: 13 people’s body parts were never found because they were probably carried away by beasts overnight. Their families were deprived of burying their remains.

If only they could understand how much the dark (not just of the night), could swallow.

Laws of retardation: Theory Three

Soothing trash

Ugh oh my God, I’m frustrated again! WHY? It has to be the result, which I believe I do not care about anymore. It always gets me this way. But maybe it’s today. Or what today was about, or is, or has been- monotony, boredom, stress, some more stress. Some more frustration, some more laziness, some more tired-ness and sleep. And sleep and stupor. Some more melancholy, some more ridicule. Some more games and some more paranoia. Some more chats and some more texts. Some more sparks, some more life. Some more pillows and some more flights- into solitary places in the mind. Some more Literature, some more math. Some more pestering and some more trash. Some more rubbish, some more gibberish. Some more vegetables and some more sloths. Some more ranting and some more panting. Some more heaving, some more wheezing. Some more dabbing and some more tabbing. Some more rhyming and some more banter. Some more venting and some more pressure. Some more music and some more noise. Some more words, some more poise. Some more drama, some more trauma. Some more theories and some more cronies. Some more talk and some more luck. Some more lies, some more replies. Some more eyes, some more cries. Some more words and that’s all there is. Some more. Some more. And more…

Laws of retardation: Theory Two

Haila!

That’s my new lame exclamatory remark. It’s so much fun to say this word because it’s so cheap and high and stupid and reminds me of Nargus cream! And it makes me feel like a buzzing phone or a boiling kettle ready to whistle; or a super-excited electron, if nothing else! 


Those of you who are wondering what Nargus cream is, please enlighten yourselves with the following link:
http://www.facebook.com/l.phpu=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fvideo%2Fvideo.php%3Fv%3D10150253203465323&h=3dbfe

Roman Holidays

In the words of a dear friend, “The scorching sun blissfully smiles down upon us.” I couldn’t help smiling at the oxymoronic description when I realized how ironic it was. The sun can itself blissfully smile while inflicting so much pain upon all those under it. How evil, I thought to myself but when you see the greater picture, it’s the general nature of things, especially humans. The sun may have been known to be vile since the ancient Egyptians begged ‘Ra’ for mercy when building the pyramids, but humans have been feared of greater peril since the dawn of time.

With humans, their treacherous ways have also evolved, becoming more subtle but venomous as time progressed. The Pharaohs, Romans, Mongols, Barbarians and the participants of the world wars, all became fiercer than the preceding race but the felony we commit today as a society has surpassed it all. It is as if living under various tyrannical regimes for over 60 years, we have attained the ability to plaster plastic smiles upon our faces, speak hollow words and indifferently hurt those around us with our cold actions just as these tyrants do.

Why is it so that those who rule upon us have been becoming increasingly corrupt and heartless? Harsh as it may sound, we have brought this upon ourselves owing to our social malice. Everyday, various acts of terrorism in our country claim the lives of at least 10 people and we have now become so used to it that those who do know of it, don’t even bother to stop for a moment and at least hope that they rest in peace. And some of us, who have lost their relatives in any such accident or to more humble diseases, are petty enough to color their grey hair in time for the funeral or they might have to join a purgatory for committing the blasphemy of showing their grey hair to the mourning crowd! And those who seem to be slightly more considerate, halfheartedly recite portions of the Quran, desperately waiting for the dead to be taken away to their final abode so that they can indulge in chat and gossip!

Very recently we saw a terrible plane crash, a bomb blast and a flood on the same day. The death toll by that night was no less than 200 at least. The whole nation grieved, so much so that even people who fortunately lost no acquaintances, cancelled their weddings scheduled for the next day. But there were some of us who were completely unaware and oblivious of any of these heartrending events; some who were aware but as is the custom, did not stop to think about it for a moment; and of course those who weren’t touched by the tragedy in the air and made the most of their day laughing, chatting, celebrating various events when the whole country was officially mourning- it was officially a day of ‘soag’.

Pakistan is battling with a food crisis- complacently accepted by the government AND the citizens because if we did care enough we wouldn’t be sitting in our houses simply cursing the government. We would at least try to take a stand, protest, or try to do something of our own accord- provided that we did care…

                           

Two years ago, a hunger-beaten six-year old child fell into a ‘daigh’ at a wedding and burned 75% of his body while trying to steal food because his father, who was a painter had been out of work for the past two days and thus unable to find them any food. May 2010: A married couple threw themselves on the railway tracks to be minced by the train because they were left devoid of any strength to battle with life anymore. The answer to why they chose death is easy: Inflation, hunger, crushing poverty, helplessness, etc. But why did they choose such a painful death? The answer to that was given by Khadim Hussain, who works almost 24 hours in a mill in Lahore, doing over times to suffice his basic needs. And in spite of that, he had to sell his kidney to prepare a not-so-ostentatious dowry for his daughter, who in spite of being perfectly normal wouldn’t get married without it. According to him, dying is harder than living for you require at least Rs. 10,000 for a proper burial, which he, the unfortunate couple and many other Pakistanis are unable to afford.

The story doesn’t end here, though. June 2010: A family ate poisoned food hoping to find the peace lost from their lives in afterlife. Another family attempted to attain salvation via a similar path.  This led Mr. Qamr-uz-Zaman Kaira to make another incredibly insensitive statement saying that if parents are unable to feed their children, they should ‘deposit’ them in the ‘Bait-ul-Maal’ instead of killing them. Now that certainly calls for a celebration since our government has almost reached the height of indifference. I wonder if anybody asked Mr. Kaira that even if people do that, what guarantee do they have that their children would be properly fed and not be stationed at some traffic signal to beg and fill the politicians’ pockets?

The bottom-line is that people in our country are dying mainly either due to terrorism or hunger and we have become indifferent to the overwhelming misery around us. By saying this I do not mean that we should all become melancholy Jacques and begin to find misery in the hatching of eggs but that it’s high time we try and do something about it. As for terrorism, I do not know how we as people can help that but we can definitely try to relieve the not-so-fortunate of the worry of where their next meal will be coming from, if at all.

We spend around six thousand rupees on just one lunch at ostentatious food outlets like Nando’s and Arizona Grill. I’m sure we can take out a little to save somebody from losing their life or their most valuable possession- their child to a welfare centre. I believe that if every housing society/area sets up a small camp where three times each day, every house in the area contributes a single plate of food, all the poor in the area should be able to at least live, if not peacefully.

It is high time that we stop expecting anything from our government and take steps to prevent the frustrated lot from playing in the hands of death.

It is high time that we try to see through our cold impertinence that has made us truly the merchants of menace.

Laws of retardation: Theory One

I have recently begun to think I’m like an electron. They love light and are moved by it (literally and figuratively), are random and easy to excite and so am I. Electrons are so fast, shiny, round and small, yet amazing enough to have created the universe and practically make the world go round. They are inspiring and I want to be like them.

I hereby proclaim myself “Electron-itron”! :)

Queen of Hearts

I know some of you have read this but it's linked to something I'm going to talk about soon.


6th July, 2010, 4 a.m.

Ever thought what it would be like to be heartless? It’s a rather strange time to be wondering so but that’s not the juicy part. Apart from the obvious and mundane biological reasons related to survival, it would actually be thrilling. Let’s take a look at my list of advantages:
1. You wouldn’t get hurt
2. You wouldn’t care about hurting someone else
3. You possibly wouldn’t have to be branded as warm-blooded!

Wow! I am almost tempted to claw it out of my system at this very moment. But there’s just a small problem restraining me: I might feel a little hollow after losing one organ. The insides that are sadly clichéd as beautiful might lose that ‘beauty’ since the heart maintains the soft pulse, associated with the beauty of life and existence, and other not-so-interesting stuff. Although, I can’t imagine how slimy organs coated with blood, fat and blood vessels can be seen as beautiful. It is a disturbing thought, even for me!

Anyway, the bottom-line is the fear of being hollow. So my not-at-all-dear friends, I have come up with a brilliant solution, and it was not triggered by Starbucks or the likes, neither did I rip it off of Wal-Mart. How about we replace the heart with an apple-pie? That would be so cool, or maybe the antonym of cool, literally speaking. 
Advantages:
1. You’ll be able to say “I’m heartless!” Ah, the sense of freedom that comes with that phrase.
2. You wouldn’t get hurt.
3. You probably wouldn’t hurt someone because you’ll be all sweet on the inside (you couldn’t get cold enough for that).
4. You could maintain the warm-blooded façade.
5. You would be complimented by the following words: “You’re sweeter than apple pie!”- Just too much juice for the ego!
6. You don’t have a heart, yet you don’t feel hollow.
7. You’ll probably become immortal because apple pie is unlikely to get coronary disease or go under cardiac arrest or myocardial infarction and blah blah.
8. Since we are blessed with barracuda teeth, we could even devour people! (What effect could the extra fat diet have on the pie? NONE!!!)

However, there’s a small disadvantage. Unlike the heart, apple pies aren’t muscular; they aren’t supported by tough, fibrous pericardium, so they can easily crumble under pressure. I guess you’d have to keep clutching your heart anyway like the Victorian maidens, although they lived in constant fear that it would flutter away at the slightest advancement from a male. I really should have been there to show them the light!

If you feel the above replacement is too feminine or incompatible with your more barbaric taste and you’re looking for something more concrete, then you could probably go for a block of low-weight steel. I wouldn’t recommend stones because they will make ‘where your heart used to be’ heavy. Not a desirable feeling, even for parting with your beloved heart (my eyes waltzed and bled to death on that note). Let’s get back to steel then. It has all the afore-mentioned advantages and perhaps more but the disadvantage is pretty serious. It has a short life. Given the wet, salty and squishy internal environment of the body, steel can make you rust away, literally. Why go through all the time-consuming and tedious effort then? I mean if you belong to my shoal of obnoxious barracudas then you wouldn’t have so much time to spend on a block of steel!

Therefore, after some serious brain-storming and spells of reflective pondering (when I was not too busy thinking about other stuff related to myself, of course) I have come to the conclusion that apple-pies are the best replacements for the useless, grief-supplying hearts we carry. And since I have taken out enough time to be a little selfless and share this with you (I thought I should give my heart a small farewell gift), I expect you all to write sonnets for me as proofs that you did, in some century possess a heart (as you’ll be tasting immortality) and then obviously, part with your primitive way of life. Then we could probably raid some planet and form a pie republic, if you are obedient enough and I would of course rule upon you.

Conjure up some good luck wish from me, be grateful that I at least thought of it and prize that memory for eternity!

Eternal pride

For a loved one we will always cherish.

I found my lodestar

One solitary dawn.

It twinkled till I thought

My sight would be gone-

It was my lovely Venus

That mellowed to dawn.

With glee and despair

I say goodbye.

In hopes of seeing

My lodestar tonight.

Come, for sure

I know it will,

For Venus and I

Are children of a kin

Whose hearts abridge

Never say goodbye.

I see my lovely Venus

Fade away to the light

Of dawn’s grey

Which turns to white.

A faint spot

In the morning blue

That welcomes with vigour

The orange true

Of morning light;

Welcomed into the safe abode

Of a new sun.