Letter to Self

So I admit it, I don't like going to M. A. Jinnah Road anymore. I hate thinking this way and even more annoying is that I'm giving in to this feeling. I spent eleven years of my life travelling by this road: the hustle bustle in the roadside automobile spare parts shops, the dust that taught me to cope with my throat allergies by giving me the gift of immunity, the noise created by the quite unharmonic interference of blaring horns from buses. Spending a good half an hour stuck in the afternoon traffic jam in the heat and sunshine gave me my first few heat strokes, sunburns and then took them away by giving me immunity to that too. That was the academic life I knew, with everything that street in Saddar had to offer - but somehow it's now gone. Till about four months ago, I loved M. A. Jinnah Road just as I always had: my heart would swell up with love for my school as I passed by, the sense of history associated with all the pre-partition mansions would fascinate me just as it did every day I passed by them to get to school, I would feel a rush of excitement with the knowledge that DMC and Civil Hospital are just ahead but it all vanished about two months ago. I went to my school to get some documents attested for the Dow application, loved my school just the same way but not the journey there. I thought it was because of nervousness and stress of the whole application process and the utter necessity to do everything right but I visited my school again, the next day and the feeling was overwhelming. I didn't want to set foot out of my house just because I knew where I was supposed to go! Well, life is good at making you forget about little, seemingly minor problems like these so I remembered this only yesterday when I went to finalize my admission to DMC. M. A Jinnah Road did not make me feel good inspite of all the history emanating from the walls of Dow itself!

I thought being tired was the reason for the bitter aftertaste of the ordeal but now that I have to go there tomorrow for the submission of a few documents and I'm not tired or anything at all, I can't quite comprehend the lack of positivity. I do have one theory, though.

I spent the last two years amidst the glitz and shine of Nixor lights - among the many things that most A level institutions of Karachi offer. Away from almost all kinds of sounds that can be regarded as noise, in fact all kinds of sounds possible - except that of the wind, free from dust but laced with salt, I lost perception of hustle bustle associated with my academic journey. Please don't get me wrong, I didn't wind up in a deserted island but in DHA - a LOT of people live there. In the beginning of my nixor experience, I found the streets too quiet and I can't stress enough on 'too'. They had an almost deserted feel but by the end of the second year I suppose I began to find them peaceful. I was neutral to the non-existence of dust but loved the salty breeze. It was a good change, overall.

So my theory is: I got lost in the high life Defaaaance.

I began to enjoy the quiet, salt and quiet and air conditioning everywhere and lack of exposure to sun, even though that had horrible results. Just two years of not spending as much time in the sun as I did on M. A. Jinnah Road, I started getting sunburnt again, very severely actually. I loved how I could stop by at Zamazama whenever I wanted to and not have to come from home especially for the ultimately rewarding obligation of shopping. Yes, I'm lazy about going shopping. I know there is no "height" in the tale I've related but the phrase sounded great with Dubai in it so I wanted to use it anyway.

I don't mind liking that change because there is a lot more that is associated with the past two years that make them so special, particularly the people I've met. What I do not like however, is my ability to not like the feel of the things I knew for so long as the only elements of my academic journey. I know we discover more as life moves ahead but that doesn't mean we forget the things we loved or stop valuing them as much as we did before. That is what I feel is happening to me. I loved Saddar because that's where everything I knew about the fun of travelling to school and back home began. That is where I discovered the the joy of playing hide ans seek with childhood friends in the churchyard; feeling the happiness that my Christian teachers felt while showing me the lovely Christmas tree even when they had no children of their own to share it with; discovering the interior of the cathedral, appreciating it for its coloured glass in all essence of innocence. That's where I began appreciating people for the good in them; learnt to share the joy of 'tili' before seeing the Navroze table even when I didn't believe in it. That's where I learnt to grow up. It was literally the road to my knowledge of life, travelling by which I discovered the greater part of who I am. What irks me is the fear of forgetting all this because that is the only way I could stop loving it the way I did for everything it has led me to.

It seems like I'm being ungrateful, I don't want to feel this way because it makes me feel like the last two years could have more weightage over the eleven before them and that's not true. The importance of last two years is of its present magnitude because of what they have added to the ones before them, not for masking the past! Moreover, this is also the road to my future, one I have wanted very much and the gratitude I feel for being close to it is inexpressible. That gives me more reason to want to rediscover the pleasantry of good old M. A. Jinnah Road. I hope it will come with tomorrow.


Thanks a lot for reading, means a lot to me :)

It's Here, It's Now

I have grown up so much in a few hours, more than I have in the last one year. Nineteen is long gone, it's a lot more and above that now.

About nine hours ago, I was dreading the immense feeling of responsibility that seemed to overwhelm me as I thought about accepting admission into med school. I felt my easy life floating away into the ocean of NIC numbers, proper signatures, pay order receipts and so much more that was beyond my horizon for now.

And here I am now, welcoming the feeling of responsibility in its entirety because medicine is just that - the responsibility of patience, perseverance and so much more.

Transcendence

I strolled to the outside, wondering what I could do to please the one on the other end of the red and black. With failure to find what I was looking for, the effort of thinking so intently by pushing away other thoughts left my brain absolutely blank. Just when that inability to please was about to push me into the now almost familiar gorge of dejection, I fell into the valley of bliss as I realized there was glitter at my doorstep. I stepped into the moonlight, too gleeful to be afraid that it might vanish, like most other beautiful moments in life. I left my foot there, waiting for it to be completely immersed in the glitter, waiting patiently for the magic to mingle in my blood and reach my soul before lifting my face to savour another image of God's wonderful gift.

This light was the one I considered most precious after the light of faith. For as long as memory permitted me, it had illuminated the lanes of my memory, trains of thoughts and my porch. I waited for the end of summer when this moonlight would give life to the exterior of my bedroom, when it made me feel protected in its halo. But that protection was not the sole reason why I admired it so much. It had a lovely companion that I waited for throughout the year.

Slowly I allowed my entire body to embrace the moonlight. Inching ever so slightly into it, so I could absorb all its magic, I began to lift my chin to finally see that magnificent orb. The light filled my eyes and I witnessed the radiant halo and then finally its source. 

The best part about a full moon is the very prominent star of light it radiates in four directions. Look more closely and you'll notice that it not a four cornered one but there are paths radiating in four more directions, like how you make eight slices of pizza. I know that's probably the worst analogy one could use but it’s simple, for once. Actually it’s not about a closer look but just tilting your head in different directions so different angles show the different paths.

When I couldn't stare at the moon for longer because it seemed to be burning with a blue flame/glow (which is just my eyes playing tricks so that they can survive another few years), I turned to the other far-from-earth object of my affection. Venus, as you might have guessed if you've read my blog since the beginning (you don't really need to personally know me for that). It first seemed that Venus was in the wake of the moon and they were playing a game - not the flirtatious kind that Greek mythology creates between Apollo's celestial love and Venus but of an innocent, childish nature, that is a shade of their stunning white purity. Venus seemed so small next to the full moon, so distant but yet in its wake, as if the moon made an effort to extend its halo of protection to Venus as well. In spite of its small size, Venus stood out bright and proud, guarding its identity with its twinkle, not even slightly inhibited by the moon. Complimenting each other, free from the envious urge to outshine the other, together they travelled through the fabric of time and space and I thanked God for giving me another chance to witness this courtship and feel such joy. Yes, I call it courtship because when I see them, the joy I feel seems to be what it must be like to be in love. I know that's VERY cliché and I could probably be strangled for using it but that is how I feel. I have never been in love, I don't know what it’s like: if it’s really how people describe it and whether Wordsworth was actually inspired by Venus to make a connection but that really is what I feel when I see this pair in the sky in its unearthly, majestic glow. This feeling I get, this joy and happiness I feel to my core of my soul is probably what love feels like, to say the least. Once again, apologies for the clichéd connection. I do respect Wordsworth a lot for his urge to defy clichés and I can not imagine comparing myself to him (for a million reasons apart from the fact that he was a  poet of inenerrable profundity) but if I had lived before Wordsworth, I would have used Venus and then I would be winnaaar. 

Salt

I was once told by a friend and recently reminded that "Sometimes what holds you together and tears you apart are the same thing".

It was like a tight slap in the face. A tight slap that just appears out of nowhere as soon as you turn your head; a slap before which the wind doesn't touch your face to warn you about the fall from the cliff of self-esteem.

I was floating in a sea of emotions, watching the dance of the crystals on the water's surface. The day had been tiring but very constructive, as I saw it and the sea was where I decided to retire for the night. The crystals danced with the current, intoxicated by the touch of moonlight. The sky was clear- like my heart. I liked clouds but I was grateful for this clarity because I loved the presence of the moon to make my picture perfect. Absorbed in the moment as if I belonged to canvas, without thinking, I let go and then it hit me with a huge splash. Yes, the icy water rose and slapped me. I whirled and hit the ground face down.

I thought it would carry me away and I would lose the parts of me that it hadn't already claimed. I waited for the wrath with eyes closed because I was afraid the sight would be too agonizing. The water receded, leaving me with a bleeding nose, sodden in self-loath. I tried gathering what was mine, the bits of self-esteem strewn across the surface among the shreds of glass that looked no more like crystals. I groped around, making frantic, vain attempts to grab on to them before the salt burned them and they disappeared. I stopped as I smelled my blood, which was no more a surprise than the consequence of trusting the angry sea.

I now understood that the sky was clear in fear of the rising waves, to make way for the storm; not to honour my wish.

Twenty Treats

          

1. This is not an advertising campaign for Al Baik. It's just that the chicken is so gooooddddd!

2. Nuclear fissions, fusions and solar flares. The radio operates because they do.Let's take a moment to praise them all.  

3. Don't we just love Kung Fu Panda???

4. Magnetic fields are so beautiful and MAGNETIC! they don't draw you in with deception, like vampires but only through pure magnetism. As for dynamos, they are just dynamic. And since I've already dedicated one whole post to that, dynamos should be VERY grateful. They should write a sonnet for me and continue to thank me through their humble servitude for a very long time. Like a very very long time.

5. B.P. makes the best ones but I couldn't find a picture of that. Nevertheless, FRUIT BUNS! : D

6. Ooh ooh look! Nature's shredder a.k.a. Black hole! It is so black and wide and not shiny.

Random stars. Aren't they PRETTY?

7. Nike shoes. They look best in grey. Okay, not really, but these do!

These shoes are called Lunar Eclipse! How innovative!

8. Einstein was so cute. This is a thread contributing to the semblance of an ode to him, for all that he has given Physics. Our space-time fabric would have so many holes without you and your theories of relativity to sew it all together. So thank you, you were cool.

9. The red beak, the silky white fur and orange padded feet! Yes it's a penguin, namely the Gentoo penguin. And it's walking on snow, which reminds me that today is a very hot day and looking at snow pictures makes me feel slightly better.

10. The most beautiful object in space, in my opinion: a neutron star. I love them so much I don't have words to express what I feel when I see them. I'm so grateful that you exist because you make my world so bright.

PULSAR! Listen to the pulse. You can't? It's okay, just check your carotids.

11. I've tried having a burger for Sehri but not Iftaar but I have a feeling it tastes better in the latter part of the day. Perhaps you could enlighten me?

12. I was searching for pictures of pretty white horses. No, not unicorns or Dora's ponies but white stallions and this is what I found among the images. I couldn't help being interested because this just reminded me how far we have come: from horses to cars named after them. You know what really pleases me about this car? In spite of achieving so much, we haven't forgotten our source of inspiration for the origin of cars. If Ferrari remembers to praise white stallions, we should too.

13. To make the note lighter, let's fly away with the bubbles. Pop, pop, pop! Don't miss out on the lovely colour spectrum that dispersion creates because each bubble is a magical little world and all of its colours are precious.

14. Chocolate cookies! And they don't look burnt or any more crisp than they should be because they seem to have been baked on a colourful spring evening and not at 2 a.m. I WANT!

15. Quasars, radio galaxies or white holes. Call them whatever you'd like to because they are the next best thing after my dear Pulsars. A picture speaks a thousand words and there are quite a few pictures here.                                                                         Is it just me, or are the Quasars actually colour schemed to match my blog??? ZOMG ZOMG! *excited face*

16. I've never done anything quite so eccentric, other than riding in a truck with my class mates. I thought I could give this a try, leaving out the guns and all, of course. I will take the roses, however.

This is the most decent picture I could find of this 'term'. Makes my blog look evil? Please please?

17. OHMAIGAWWDDD!!!! Who doesn't love chicken wings??? Maybe I'll try having them for Iftaar.

Mujhe roza nahin lag raha, okay?

ZOMG! ZOMG! ZOMG! NOM! NOM! NOM! EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! FOODDD!!!

18.  Hawaiian shirts! I'm gonna get one too. But I like Rio better. Do you think the Rio people will mind if I wear a Hawaiian shirt to Rio? Nah, I guess they're nice and hospitable and all.

Also, I want some bling. Okay, not really. But IT'S SO SHINY!!!! OHMAAGAAD MY EYES!

 

19. JALEBI! What more can I say?

20. Miscellaneous happiness : D

Yes, you are my friend :D

Here are the lyrics, which are the reason why I love this song so much.

We all have a weakness
But some of ours are easy to identify.
Look me in the eye
And ask for forgiveness;
We'll make a pact to never speak that word again
Yes, you are my friend.
We all have something that digs at us,
At least we dig each other
So when weakness turns my ego up
I know you'll count on the me from yesterday

If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me
Sing this song
Remind me that we'll always have each other
When everything else is gone.

We all have a sickness
That cleverly attaches and multiplies
No matter how we try.
We all have someone that digs at us,
At least we dig each other
So when sickness turns my ego up
I know you'll act as a clever medicine.

If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me.
Sing this song!
Remind me that we'll always have each other
When everything else is gone.
Oh each other....
When everything
Else is gone. 

Thank you, S <3

Relativity

The other end of the wormhole opened into the heart of pain. Trembling with fear, helplessness and the realization of existing in my purgatory, I tried to warm myself with some nice thoughts - thoughts, not memories.

Flowers, yes that's where I'd like to go, I thought and set my mind free - or at least the part of it I could claim to be in full control of, while the rest wandered away into the vast expanses of the universe, vulnerable to the dangers it presented. The flowers brought with them a rush of memories of the forbidden. I tried to find the bougainvilleas but all I got was Tulips, Wisteria, Gold Mohur. I clenched my teeth, hoping that the resulting ache in my jaw would make all else numb but panic wouldn't allow me to shut my mind and withdraw so I continued getting burnt.

Moments passed and in moments eternities. I chose a different path. I began to explore the brilliant radio galaxies, tried listening to the music of the pulsars so I could praise God and find some peace, but all I felt was the gravity of the black hole, the silence of the vacuum that left me to tremble until either the ice burned out my core or the black hole managed to shred me.

Cower

It rained so hard.
We ran for cover.
We hid.
It found us.
It hurt us.
It bored holes-
In the sky
In the shades
In the walls
In us.

It ran on the ground
It didn't seep in;
It only ran out
Gushed out
Out of us.
It rained on us.
It rained around us.
It rained through us.
It rained without us.

We ran
We kept running;
We kept crying
Crying for help
Crying in pain;
Sighing in vain
Drenched in rain.

They saw us.
From their windows.
Under the lights
The mellow lights
The warm lights
That blazed like fire
With stifled ire
Ire we held
In our hearts
Ire that held
The lights on fire.

The rain went bad
The crowd went mad
We looked around
We looked within
We were drenched.
In red.
The rain was red.
Yes, blood it shed.
Our blood.
Then came a flood.
A flood of lies.
A flood of cries
The flood of blood.

They filled their cups
They raised their cups
They made a toast
They laughed
They chatted
They shopped
They stopped
They looked
Out their windows
Out of their world
They checked:
We were reduced
Reduced
As of yesterday
Reduced to sacks
Reduced to numbers
Reduced to ashes.

They resumed:
They fed
On our tears,
Tears we shed
As we bled
With the rain.
They were satiated.

Free Delivery

Freedom, independence and liberty are all synonymous with each other and with the evening breeze of the National Independence Day mingled with the aroma of Shashlik.

Cuz that's where the breeze is

What could be more invigorating than the feel of fresh air in your hair while you ride beside a daigh in a Suzuki and tantalize your taste buds with Shashlik in your cozy little niche right after iftaar? To me it feels like the perfect celebration of national independence day: the free breeze and free food in the Suzuki that's free of smooth brakes and protective barriers that are meant to keep you from falling off. Though I would like to uplift your spirits further with the good news that even if you do fall off you will not have enough velocity to escape the earth. In fact the whole situation seems rather royal to me. It's like your kingdom and the daigh your throne? Though I would like to reiterate your attention towards the fact that the walls are low and you should do something about that in order to prevent the likes of Trojan War. After all, the throne is very very precious.

NOM NOM NOM!

Rocking on four wheels, you roll on the road, nestled comfortably in your warm spot like a hen guarding the daigh like its eggs. The world gawks at you in awe, stares in discomfort and confusion. If you wish you can imagine some track from 'Lord of the Rings' playing in the background. Meanwhile you think "I must be the dragon warrior, hence NOM NOM NOM! Must make the most of the journey...eating, that will certainly help cool down the fire raging within me and I shall find my inner peace."

It doesn't matter what the man on the motorbike thinks while he's staring at you as if his eyes will pop out any moment. What really matters is the aroma of ketchup and peppers in the soft, steamed rice; the chunky chicken and your stomach's delight.

PAKISTAN ZINDABAD!

The sky so lovely,
The sun obscure,
The breeze so lively,

Your emotions so pure. 

Your nation will be transcendent,
Its buds mature,
You feel with dignity,
That the day hasn't been a bore.
You feel independent,
You feel so sure,
You feel so free,
Like Kung Fu Panda's lore.



And having written all that, I feel QUITE lame but happily so, hoping it made you happy too :)