The Odds of the End

Death is painful - something we all know.

For some it's serene - an effortless transition from one content life to another; for others it's a matter of relief and for another lot, it's the most excruciating experience of their life and ironically death.

However, for those who stand by and watch, it's always painful. Always.
It doesn't matter how, when or why it happened, but only that it did. It doesn't matter if you were the cold-blooded murderer or the helpless onlooker whose arms became the final abode of the departing soul. It doesn't matter if the blood that stains your hands was a product of the gash you gave someone or it's there because you held the warm, living body that became cold and dead in a matter of moments. Either way, pain is a constant companion- irrespective of who feels it.

It brings us pain to know that we can't do anything to hold onto those breaths that are softly slipping away. Anguish grips us as we realize in essence how the fire of life is about to be extinguished and leave behind the cold, dry embers of a lost life, a lost soul, a lost world. And we stand and watch, crushed by that helplessness, waiting for the curtains to fall and the lights to explode into the creeping darkness that threatens to engulf us and all that's dear to us.We wait for the burns to heal with the light that can burn this pain. And we wait.

But more often than not, light chooses to travel into the distant depths of the universe, up, above and away from where we are. From the stars, to some other stars and infinity - where every soul travels - at some point in its life, or death. Yes, that's where we believe they are: somewhere within infinity, with that light that left us to reach them, help them, guide them, hold them. It is almost relieving to bear that pain, that suffocating embrace of the dark if we believe that the light leaves us and somehow helps the ones we love.

Up, above and away are all so distant and yet so close. They are so hard to touch but they touch our lives so easily. They define transcendence from our troubles, offer an escape, only a very impractical and untouchable one. But they offer something, even if it is another life - that after death.

My exams finished today and I'd thought I'd write a blog post overflowing with glee of some sort or at least something that reflected freedom. The moon was full tonight and oh so beautiful when I went out for a walk and I decided to write something related to that but then I had an encounter with death. Most of us might consider this encounter a very trivial one and it probably is but I just can't feel that way.

Walking back home, I saw a dead eagle on the road-side. My eyes bulged out for a moment when I realized what it was and I got terribly upset. I actually felt my heart getting heavy! I'm not exactly an animal rights activist (although I do believe that animals should be treated nicely because WE are humans), but grief did grip me for long enough to produce this morose piece.

It was not the eagle or it's death that hurt so much, perhaps. It was the closeness of death, right beneath my eyes, the fine line between the two phases that is so easily lost to sight. Seeing the eagle's neck lolled to its left; its body that was previously vibrant with life, turned into a static wooden frame; the grey shutters on the eyes and the beak covered in dust made me want to kneel down and start weeping. It's been so long since I've felt that way and back then it used to be where humans were concerned. I've seen dead animals before but never have I felt quite so broken by the sight.

I guess it's just because I haven't paid attention to any deaths in the past two months. Also, it was the realization that this living body that soared to great heights of blue oblivion would have bolted to the ground and lost its life in a snap. The simplicity of transition between these two extremes of what lies up above and away against that which takes one beneath the ground is just so paradoxical and ironic. This battle between warm and cold, black and white, heights and depths is what maintains the continuity of life - by ending some.

It is an act of greatly low stature to end a life. It is a matter of great pain, patience and strength to watch an end. I can't imagine how great it would be to have the chance to save a life.

Of Some Precious souls

If you've read my blog, or even skimmed through it ever, you would know that I don't usually talk about my personal life here as most other bloggers like to.

Today, however, is different. I feel like talking about my day, simply because it was nothing special and yet so special.

My lovely friend, whom I love more than the non-existent 'luv of ma lyf' taught me this really sweet phrase in Japanese, she kept saying it throughout the day and just watching her say those magical words made me so happy. Of course, her ability to look Japanese played a great role in accentuating the whole effect and also, my happiness.

That was not all that she did for me today, though. S picked up my bio notes for me when they just threw themselves upon the floor for the sole purpose of annoying me - another universal conspiracy, but guess what? I've learnt to live with them now as they happen all the time!

She picked them up for me because I decided to be stubborn and show those notes I didn't care. During the class, she gently squeezed my arm so that I'd feel better. Later, S made sure I was comfortably seated when I'd been excused from Language class, regaled me with the "Tsu- khasa" story and made me laugh. She attended physics class with me and walked downstairs with me while we were discussing how we can't have an 'inqilaab' (revolution) yet.

That's not all, though. At night she remembered to inquire about my health, although I wasn't visibly sick today - it's very easy to forget how somebody was feeling when they don't look sick. If you do remember, you're just a really great person. Later, I bugged her with a really stupid problem and she gave me some really good advice, which immediately got me out of an awkward, messy situation.

I love S. The fact that I lay quite a lot of stress on 's' sounds when I speak, used to appear to me as a technical problem with my voice box, but now I just think of it as a token of love and gratitude I feel for the presence of S in my life. With thoughts like these, I feel bad about disclosing universal conspiracies to the world, but I MUST voice the truth!

And then there's S-the-B.

She's just SO cool. I never write like this, especially on my blog. I just speak this way but right now I'm breaking all the writing rules I've made for myself.

S-the-B makes me laugh so so so so much everyday, right before physics. I feel refreshed during that class and actually understand what my teacher is talking about, though I may not necessarily understand what exactly he's talking about. For example, I am aware of the fact that today surface waves were being discussed but I didn't really understand, or pay much attention to what they were, etc.

S-the-B came to see me for a second time today -yes, fate was being way too nice to me today, it seems. Maybe I should be scared because it might just be preparing the stage for another huge conspiracy like my bio notes taking a dive. Maybe that's what you refer to as an "academic deep-dive".

This is a moment of revelation. I feel so enlightened now.

The best part of seeing S-the-B however, remains untold. She told me she got me an amazing gift! I was excited beyond what the powers of my description can conquer, especially at this time and in this state. S-da-B (as she might like to call herself, because she's just 2 kewlx), rummaged inside her bag for a minute or two, while I just eyed the opening of the bag with eyes wide and watery with the anticipation of what might come out any moment. I would like to imagine that my tongue was also lolling to a side or that I looked like a character from Japanese anime but well, I guess none of that happened. Meanwhile, S-da-B produced a wrapper (of something) from her bag. It was transparent and pink on the top and bottom. It said the following:

AAA HIGH QUALITY on the top pink part

and

MADE IN JAPAN on the lower pink patch.

We tried to figure out what it could have been wrapped around but failed because I was almost exploding with glee. Why wouldn't I? it was graded with triple As. Yes, that is how HIGH the quality was, of whatever it contained. S-da-B found it on the floor of one of her classes and picked it up just for ME. Cox she luff me so much!

I love you too. Both of you.

I would also like to thank N, for being there and just uplifting my mood with some absolutely random musings.

And that concludes the most prized moments of my day.

Oh and Pakistan Zindabad! Since we've entered 23rd March now. 

P.S. I'm writing this because I couldn't conclude my day without doing this.

Please try and ignore whatever errors you find in this post because I'm not well. I can't make sense of most things, my spine and shoulders are hurting so badly I can barely keep my neck in one position for more than five minutes. My apologies if that sounds like whining but I just HAD to mention all that.